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What if London’s Muslim Mayor gave the city a Ramadan makeover....

Published June 5th, 2016 - 01:03 GMT

With Ramadan 2016 upon us, we cast our Middle East imaginations on London’s cityscape, and - inspired by new Muslim Mayor Sadiq Khan - draped the UK capital in a fictional Muslim veil. Mind the Facts: with his newly announced all-night Underground train service (perfectly suited for late night suhurs!) and iconic double decker buses sporting Holy Month messages, the question is: Just how Muslim could London get?

You Khan-not be serious! (We're not!) but let’s forget Brexit for a moment, and instead mess around with a make-believe Muslim Awakening, London-style. Ramadan Kareem!

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UK mosque call for prayer loudspeaker satire

Mosques turn up their adhans: from East London to Baker Street to Finsbury Park, muezzins blast out dawn "fajir" calls for prayer with reckless abandon! Usually-muted minarets broadcast the Muslim-mantra 5 times a day- and the extra night rounds of Holy Month "tarawih" prayers get play-time too. You can’t turn down the word of God!

London sleepy office worker

Fasting in the City: Mayor Khan's first Muslim maneuver is to enforce fast-friendly work hours in London's fast-paced financial Square Mile. Suits would slow down to a sleepy snooze, and Ramadan business hours’ radically shift 'commuter rush' to noon and sun-down, or iftar 'o-clock! No smoking breaks but all naps, ‘some’ work and more pray!

English breakfast British fry-up black pudding ban

An immediate crackdown on the greasy spoon, and specifically the offending black pudding. Pig’s blood-sausage may put the 'full' in Full English Breakfast but it’s the ultimate crime in Haram. Islam prohibits the consumption of blood and pork and this is the double whammy! (Londoners can keep the Ploughman's Lunch on the iftar table!)

London halal zoning bacon

Back to the Great British fry-up, Muslim London gets a blanket bacon ban. Craving 'pigs in blankets'? (bacon wrapped sausages), then STOP pork police! Or pay to pork-out in London’s congestion charge zone applied to bacon, and ease those rasher-hours! Make London halal but expect bacon bootlegging. Forget black pudding, this is black market!

London stringfellows club strip

No sex in the city….before marriage! And that includes sex on the beach, or by the river Thames-side for that matter! We’re talking virgin cocktails all around: mocktails for the millennials, in Muslim Mayor's sober London.

london subhan Allah double decker bus Ramadan

You know you're in the City of God when London buses carry Subhan Allah, "Glory be to God", banners! Spoofs aside, the double deckers will unroll this limited edition Holy Month drive. Before you do a double take and catch your breath at God’s mysterious ways - so very Subhan Allah – note that TfL has previously run Christian and atheist signs.

london yoghurt ayran pub pint

Move over London Pride (ale): British boozing just took a hit as beer paves way to an alternative brew. Will pubs serve punters pints of Ayran over Anglo ales? This chilled diluted yogurt drink may lack alcohol but it's popular as punch in the Muslim majority Middle East. What comes next, holy Friday lunches to write-off Sunday’s pub roast?

Britain milk float UK camel

Converting to camel milk? The British institution of morning milkman delivery is eroding, but the milk cart still does rounds to the committed customers. If the much-loved milkman goes with the humped supplier, London’s masses might tolerate camel dairy in their cereal and milky tea, especially given the lower cholesterol and lactose content.

london mounted camel police

Bedouins on the beat: Think camel-mounted police on London patrols. Humped ships of the desert are giving the traditional horses who serve the Mounted Branch of the Metropolitan Police a run for their money: Meet the Bobbies on the bump!

london Buckingham palace guards Muslim spoof

Bedouin Buckingham guards: Tourists flocking to stare at the Queen’s solemn sentries, standing guard with statuesque discipline, would be treated to this Arabian army, with scimitars, checked keffiyeh and bagpipes to boot. Maybe a bit less stiff, but just as formidable --you don't want to cross this line of desert defense.

Diwan arabian male tent

London's exclusive gentlemen's clubs would be usurped by the equally male dominated "diwans" or "diwaniyah" (traditional Arabian tents hosting male guests, who engage in political debate while knocking back shots of coffee). Belly dancers and lap dancers are not poles apart after all.

London Halal sex shop

Halal sex shops in London’s redlight Soho district. (Whatever holy sanctioned sex toys look like) Show your marriage certificate at the door!

london tube late night service

Ramadan nights underground? Finally the London tube will run at night, a service the night-lifers crave most when braving the cold, wet night-bus waiting. While this initiative actually got announced by Mayor Khan ahead of Ramadan (when night turns to day for many Muslim-fasting) it won’t launch in time; on track for an August opening.

london female parliament members

Houses of Parliament to undergo Ramadan recess, or segregated sessions? Picture the House of Lords (Sultans?) and Commons going gender and sectarian-split seating. Between C of E, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and Atheist, debates could get rowdy. Heated hearings could rock the casbah, even if the Speaker don’t like it! (Off with their heads!)

Queen Elizabeth hijab

Queen going hijabi: Maybe pigs won’t fly away from London, but the Queen (though a King or Khalifeh would be preferable) has sported the head scarf Muslim-style when in Rome (or Riyadh).

UK mosque call for prayer loudspeaker satire
London sleepy office worker
English breakfast British fry-up black pudding ban
London halal zoning bacon
London stringfellows club strip
london subhan Allah double decker bus Ramadan
london yoghurt ayran pub pint
Britain milk float UK camel
london mounted camel police
london Buckingham palace guards Muslim spoof
Diwan arabian male tent
London Halal sex shop
london tube late night service
london female parliament members
Queen Elizabeth hijab
UK mosque call for prayer loudspeaker satire
Mosques turn up their adhans: from East London to Baker Street to Finsbury Park, muezzins blast out dawn "fajir" calls for prayer with reckless abandon! Usually-muted minarets broadcast the Muslim-mantra 5 times a day- and the extra night rounds of Holy Month "tarawih" prayers get play-time too. You can’t turn down the word of God!
London sleepy office worker
Fasting in the City: Mayor Khan's first Muslim maneuver is to enforce fast-friendly work hours in London's fast-paced financial Square Mile. Suits would slow down to a sleepy snooze, and Ramadan business hours’ radically shift 'commuter rush' to noon and sun-down, or iftar 'o-clock! No smoking breaks but all naps, ‘some’ work and more pray!
English breakfast British fry-up black pudding ban
An immediate crackdown on the greasy spoon, and specifically the offending black pudding. Pig’s blood-sausage may put the 'full' in Full English Breakfast but it’s the ultimate crime in Haram. Islam prohibits the consumption of blood and pork and this is the double whammy! (Londoners can keep the Ploughman's Lunch on the iftar table!)
London halal zoning bacon
Back to the Great British fry-up, Muslim London gets a blanket bacon ban. Craving 'pigs in blankets'? (bacon wrapped sausages), then STOP pork police! Or pay to pork-out in London’s congestion charge zone applied to bacon, and ease those rasher-hours! Make London halal but expect bacon bootlegging. Forget black pudding, this is black market!
London stringfellows club strip
No sex in the city….before marriage! And that includes sex on the beach, or by the river Thames-side for that matter! We’re talking virgin cocktails all around: mocktails for the millennials, in Muslim Mayor's sober London.
london subhan Allah double decker bus Ramadan
You know you're in the City of God when London buses carry Subhan Allah, "Glory be to God", banners! Spoofs aside, the double deckers will unroll this limited edition Holy Month drive. Before you do a double take and catch your breath at God’s mysterious ways - so very Subhan Allah – note that TfL has previously run Christian and atheist signs.
london yoghurt ayran pub pint
Move over London Pride (ale): British boozing just took a hit as beer paves way to an alternative brew. Will pubs serve punters pints of Ayran over Anglo ales? This chilled diluted yogurt drink may lack alcohol but it's popular as punch in the Muslim majority Middle East. What comes next, holy Friday lunches to write-off Sunday’s pub roast?
Britain milk float UK camel
Converting to camel milk? The British institution of morning milkman delivery is eroding, but the milk cart still does rounds to the committed customers. If the much-loved milkman goes with the humped supplier, London’s masses might tolerate camel dairy in their cereal and milky tea, especially given the lower cholesterol and lactose content.
london mounted camel police
Bedouins on the beat: Think camel-mounted police on London patrols. Humped ships of the desert are giving the traditional horses who serve the Mounted Branch of the Metropolitan Police a run for their money: Meet the Bobbies on the bump!
london Buckingham palace guards Muslim spoof
Bedouin Buckingham guards: Tourists flocking to stare at the Queen’s solemn sentries, standing guard with statuesque discipline, would be treated to this Arabian army, with scimitars, checked keffiyeh and bagpipes to boot. Maybe a bit less stiff, but just as formidable --you don't want to cross this line of desert defense.
Diwan arabian male tent
London's exclusive gentlemen's clubs would be usurped by the equally male dominated "diwans" or "diwaniyah" (traditional Arabian tents hosting male guests, who engage in political debate while knocking back shots of coffee). Belly dancers and lap dancers are not poles apart after all.
London Halal sex shop
Halal sex shops in London’s redlight Soho district. (Whatever holy sanctioned sex toys look like) Show your marriage certificate at the door!
london tube late night service
Ramadan nights underground? Finally the London tube will run at night, a service the night-lifers crave most when braving the cold, wet night-bus waiting. While this initiative actually got announced by Mayor Khan ahead of Ramadan (when night turns to day for many Muslim-fasting) it won’t launch in time; on track for an August opening.
london female parliament members
Houses of Parliament to undergo Ramadan recess, or segregated sessions? Picture the House of Lords (Sultans?) and Commons going gender and sectarian-split seating. Between C of E, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and Atheist, debates could get rowdy. Heated hearings could rock the casbah, even if the Speaker don’t like it! (Off with their heads!)
Queen Elizabeth hijab
Queen going hijabi: Maybe pigs won’t fly away from London, but the Queen (though a King or Khalifeh would be preferable) has sported the head scarf Muslim-style when in Rome (or Riyadh).

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